I've been thinking a lot lately about two patients I met on the van-bulance who recently died. The two recent deaths were the young paralyzed patient D and I spent an entire day with, and one of our regular dialysis patients who had held on for quite a while. Hearing about each affected me in a way I wasn't really expecting. Not simply because they died, and not because I was there or involved, but more the whole fragility of life, seize the day, you only get one go-around kind of thing. I work with a lot of elderly and/or end of life patients and if they're coherent at all they always comment on making the most of life.
The whole transition I'm going through right now is due to this type of thinking. What do I really want out of life? When I'm 80 and meet a young person, what do I want to be able to share with them? If I'm going to be senile and live in my past memories, what do I want them to be of? A job I didn't like? Countless times I didn't do something? Places I never went? So, yes, sometimes it sucks to not know where I'm going or what the heck I'm doing or how to make all the ends meet in the middle, but I believe that happiness is out there for the taking and that there is enough for everyone. I need to remain brave, step forward and be noticed.
p.s. Yes, this means I'm reaching out again to make friends and feel part of our new community. Class starts next week so I'll meet another new set of people, and hopefully another way to feel like I'm making the most of my time. I even actually went to a bar and consumed adult beverages last night for the first time in a very long, long time.