12 May 2006


Yesterday morning I was trying to be all positive about being friendly and going out and meeting new people and all that. And yesterday afternoon I was reminded why it generally doesn't take me long to retreat to the happy, safe place known as the couch. Because nobody makes fun of my shoes on the couch - I don't even wear shoes on the couch! It just requires so much energy to give a crap what people see and think when I leave the house. I thought I'd done pretty well, I'd showered, put on some decent casual clothes, even a spot of cosmetics here and there, and then I grabbed my comfy happy hiking boots on the way out the door. Stupid east coast people and their shoe obsessions...I don't care if you think that a bar does not require boots. They are comfortable, they keep my feet dry and it was pouring! I don't do grown-up "girl" things like care about my hair, wear makeup every day, wear long fingernails in multiple colors, and own 7 billion pairs of shoes. I feel like I finally conquered office casual (although I didn't care every day I could get it right when I needed to), and ambulance uniform is a piece of cake because I don't have any free will, but bar clothes are evidently still beyond my grasp. I try to be a nice person, be friendly and welcoming, not hideous to look at, and to smell nice - but apparently if I don't get it right all the way to my shoes, that is all people are going to notice.

Now I'm even more paranoid about hosting the BBQ here next month. Because I KNOW people judge things in your house and we haven't even unpacked much less hung anything on the walls or otherwise given a crap about "decorating". The yard is a mess, the deck needs to be washed, sanded, and restained, and at the rate it has been raining, none of that will be done by June. The food will be good, people will have fun, but I'm sure when people leave there will be "omg! did you see xx?" conversations because I will miss something. I will forget to close a door to a place I don't want to clean. I will forget to pick something up. And then that is all people will see and remember from having been here. Why even bother?

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