State of me

Someone pointed out that I hadn't updated on the prospective volunteer experience with K's department..so the current story is that I had an oral board interview two weeks ago and a chief's interview last week. I passed both and am now waiting on the results of the background check before getting the official okay to volunteer. I will be going through orientation at some point, probably soon, then getting to start going on calls one evening a week (5p-7a) and one weekend out of every 5. I will be on probation for 6 months so I can be trained, then they will allow me to drive their vehicles and have lights and sirens on my own vehicle if I want to pay for them. Everyone's big concern was how well K and I were going to work together, how I'd respond if I disagreed with his decisions, how I'd handle it if someone else was talking about him, whether I'd bring any disagreements home with me, etc. Nobody really seemed to care whether I was any good as an EMT, but I guess they have 6 months to figure that out for themselves.

I'm still working 40h/wk on the ambulance, and 20h/wk on the old desk job, and studying my behind off for the MCAT. Since the MCAT is at the end of this month, I'm considering starting an EMT-Intermediate class in May, and hoping the ambulance is willing to let me go part-time while I do it, because I'm working on driving myself completely insane. Transfer shifts on the ambulance are pretty boring, but the only way to get into a position to do something more interesting is to take more classes, and of course, it is difficult to be out on-time to go to class and they pay for more of the class if you are full-time than if you are part-time. If I wasn't still working the other job to pay the bills, it would be an easy choice, but I guess I'll just have to see how it goes.

MCAT studying is stressful and I had a conversation with D the other day to the effect that I was worried I wasn't going to do well so the stress of studying didn't really seem worthwhile. He commented that if being an MD was my goal, then it seemed worth striving for even if it took a while. Which was an incredibly nice and supportive thing to say - but the part that really hit home was "goal". What is my goal? The best I can express it is that I want to help people by providing medical care. To be a part of the healing process for illness and injury. Do I need to be a doctor to do that? Not really, although it would certainly pay better if I was. What benefits would I get from being a doctor instead of a PA? Autonomy certainly, more flexibility in choosing the type of environment I want to work in, a much easier time being accepted as a researcher if I want to do that some day. What if I want to just stay on the ambulance as a paramedic? Would that really be so bad? So you see, I'm killing myself for something I'm not even entirely convinced I want...