Sometimes, feedback is not really what I need. Today I performed a physical exam (history, review of systems and the hands-on examination) of a "simulated patient". Simulated patients are people who are trained and paid by the university, come in and pretend to be patients all afternoon, complete with story lines and complaints, for the medical students to practice on. It is great to try being a doctor with the few skills I've actually gained and to try and shift my perception of myself from student to physician. It is nice to hear from my simulated patient what she thought of my performance and what I can improve upon.
The part that is not nice is, today, I sucked. I couldn't keep my mind straight on all the things I was supposed to ask, so there were some long awkward pauses. I have some expectations for myself given that I have patient care experience, but today I wouldn't have believed that I have ever been in the same room with another human, much less a patient. Even worse than just being bad is that it is recorded to DVD. I have to watch it and comment. I have to bring it to one of our small group sessions for everyone to watch and comment. I do not want to do that. I know my performance was not good. I know there was no sort of rhythm or flow and that I seemed nervous and awkward. I felt it at the time and my patient reinforced it, I don't need to have 11 other medical students tell me that too and I don't need to watch it. Just another wonderful thing to look forward to, I guess.