26 March 2008

Impending doom

Not that I won't try of course, but I'm not sure any description will quite do. I have this feeling right now, one of these "if I were psychic I'd be having a vision" kind of feelings. Very strong, very sure of itself. Something is coming to an end. Disturbing. Especially the complete lack of specificity. What is ending? Why? When? Do I care? Am I supposed to do something?

I don't believe in psychic powers, the ability to tell the future, mysterious forces guiding the universe. I don't have any reason to be concerned with this except that it won't go away. I was at work last night and had an awful dream about going to ManchMedic's funeral (please take good care of yourself!!). It was horrible and sad, made all the more so by reaching that state of semi-wakefulness where you know you're having a dream and I still couldn't make it stop. I woke up fully, stumbled out to the restroom, came back and went right back to that damn funeral. It wasn't just the loss of a friend, it was the sadness of all the other people there. People I know and care about and strangers too. Normally, I don't sleep enough at work to dream, last night I woke up crying.

The Asian and I went on a call that took us to the apartments where we worked our pediatric code. All I could think about as we pulled in was that call. I even commented out loud that every time we come here, I always remember. He understood completely.

I heard Monday night about the sudden death of a co-worker from my time in Virginia. A day after we stopped there to visit friends.

My ambulance calls lately have been fairly mellow, no string of deaths or traumas or anything really. I've tried to keep my spirits up, hoping that a good day can keep this feeling at bay. I feel like just writing about it makes it more real...creepy.


Ellie said...

That is weird. Take car of yourself.

manchmedic said...

C'mon, Jen, I'm working with you tonight!! Don't scare me like that.... But I will watch your back as well as my own - promise.